and she asked me, with her red hair, after I'd understood her story was about herself
(an easy guess, though she seemed so surprised)
"why it had to be about sex"or something to that effect.
and I answered "why not"? or something to that effect.

in another apartment, later, I was gifted caramels, and slept alone on a sofa
but the caramels were lost, somewhere

and I haven't seen any of them
in years now.

in the plane
I couldn't sit for long.
I'd carry books, and the journal that was meant to hold my travels
the words of the trip were meant to come on the plane rides,
but I could never sit.
The seatbelt light would end and I'd be up.
sometimes only in my seat, but standing, just enough to feel standing,
or in the aisle by the crew - who never minded conversation
I'd do taiji by the bathroom door
I'd only sit to sleep, and so, the writing went undone.

Under bathwater
rushing pulse
heartbeat
ringing like a wineglass
the singing of cilial cells

I enter bath because:
I can not relax

I exit bath because:
I can not relax

the foundation
"always because"

always consequence

here I am
because:

all the choices
were not choices
depends on the reader, hey

but like gravity
I have fallen

and think
"now I am still"

but where was I then?

in bed, smaller, so much smaller,
though I never felt like growing
now I feel no fall

then I heard my heart beat
pulse
in my ears
and could not sleep
for the noise
and fear of stopping

do we hear, can we will
we hear our own silence?

 enough to name it?

  that ringing in the ears
 
   like the crickets sing

   winter
 winter
winter

love!

I'll never read all the
regret

Far away and no
longing

Tired of but where is
ennui

disa

names
for all the

life, until

nameless

"end"

no more maybe

as in a dream:
some words are bigger than others
but no matter
        more
no more matter
end
 denial barga some other stuff
and then
shh
accept
she's gone
my soul
it'll be a long wait
why write
 when it's empty
words
worlds
some are bigger
but
it'll be a long wait
but
it'll happen